He is my Prince of Peace

I have been walking through trials lately that have posed the question..."What is the motivation?" Is it self motivated or God motivated? Are people in my life showing their love without expectations? Expectations can kill friendships and relationships. Showing love with the wrong motivation can kill relationships.

It appears being a follower of Christ makes it harder to discern motives. I have been guilty of thinking ALL christians have the same heart condition. I married a man whom I would have never married if he didn't wear a christian mask. What saddens me the MOST is that people who wear christian masks or have wrong motivations cause the most damage to those who are seeking the Lord. The Holy Spirit gives us the gift of discernment but to a new believer "the mask" can be deceiving.

I say to all of those who are wearing a mask...being a pollyanna...STOP! The bible states that we must NOT make another stumble. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Allow your motivations to be those of God. Trust me...one would rather do without than to be receiving with motivations that are not of the Lord.

My "random" blogs are generally all over the place and filled more with emotions instead of knowledge. I am sure this one will be the same. I have been feeling many different emotions these past several months. I would like to think most of them are positive.

I am officially divorced as of October 27th, 2009. The big divorce day was/is bittersweet. It was something that had to happen yet divorce is not always the easiest choice to make regardless of how terrible the marriage is at the time. I knew the moment I filed for divorce that I had been released from Jason by the Lord. I continually receive confirmation by the still existing lifestyle and rollercoaster that I observe from a distance. Thank You, Christ Jesus, for releasing me and giving me the courage to walk away and love myself enough to make those tough decisions.

I am also starting to come to the realization that men and women (singles) truly don't know how to be "just friends." It is a confusing situation that leaves people hurt, bitter and closed off no matter how much is expressed in the beginning of the "expectations" and reality of the friendship. One can state that they are loving you with the heart of God and that no expectations are in that friendship but I have found that is not true. When the reality hits that the friendship will not turn into romance...actions or lack of actions become apparent and truth is revealed. I have found that I am more comfortable surrounding myself around women of God for that one on one friendship. I will continue to allow God to guide my steps and if/when it ever changes then I will know without a doubt.

I have been taking a class at Destiny Worship Center taught byt our Pastor. Basically, it is a leadership class that is helping us find our "calling" and place in the church. I think everybody knows that I LOVE MY CHURCH and I want to be used in mighty ways. I don't care if that means I am scrubbing toliets. I LOVE MY CHURCH and more importantly, I LOVE SERVING GOD! I know that my calling is spreading the gospel. I LOVE talking about Jesus especially to those who do not know the Lord. I don't know what the future holds but I know that I am called to witness.

Last, I just had another check up and I am cancer free! Praise Jesus, my Healer and Prince of Peace!!! I don't know why I become anxious when it comes time to have my check up. It is not a lack of faith as some might think. I guess it takes "being there" to know what I am experiencing. Nonetheless, I received confirmation from my WONDERFUL Dr. D (hehe...some of you know what I am talking about) and I feel that heaviness fall off of my shoulders.

So, I guess that sums it up for now. I still would love to blog more openly like I used to do on Myspace but I will let the Lord lead my fingers.

I have spent quite some time trying to figure out what I want to write. I tend to always have an opinion about something but I generally don't feel the need to voice it as I used too. Maybe it is growth in my walk with the Lord, discernment or I could just be more cautious and have my guard up. Nonetheless, I have found that I blog less and less. However, as life unfolds and time passes with each day, I still find that I need to express thoughts, emotions, feelings, ideas and experiences.

As with any blog, I always ask the Lord to give me the "right" words and I pray that the right words come to me now. I have quite a bit tugging at my heart concerning different topics but one that has gnawed at me the most is about people we allow and/or remain in our lives.

I believe there are varying degrees on who and how much people should be in a our lives. The only One that should have ALL of us is God. For me, I have learned that I must set boundaries so I do not become distracted from what God is trying to do in my life. It is easy to become distracted...at least for me. I vowed that I would not allow to be distracted from the Lord ever again with family, friends, marriage, work, and even with brothers and sisters in Christ. My life would be focused on Him.

So, what does one do when there are people in their lives who blatantly are not good for us? We can walk away knowing we are doing the right thing yet still pray for that person. What if it is not so easy? What if the person is a twister of scripture? You feel the darts yet there is a "spiritual smoothness" about it all....In my weakened moments, I would sense a bit of confusion. In my moments of knowing God and seeing the enemy at work, I know what needs to be done. The same thing should be done as the person who is blatantly not good for us...we walk away knowing we are doing the right thing yet still pray for that person.

I have no desire to surround myself with those who are focused on themselves. My prayers are not that of selfish desires...I want to serve the Lord. I am not standing in judgment of those who have certain wants and needs met by the Lord. I guess I am just not in that place in my life where I desire more of anything except for more of Jesus. In all honestly, if the Lord called me home tomorrow then I would be willing to go without hesitation. I want Jesus!

I think the most frustrating part for me right now is that I express my desire...to be fully consumed with Jesus...yet...I am not heard. Distractions are thrown my way like fiery darts...blatantly and spiritual twisting...and they would all be irrelevant if my words spoken would be taken to heart. Contrary to what people believe, I am shy and don't like to talk so when I express myself...I say what I mean and I mean what I say. It is that simple.

So, I say all of that to say this, if there is a relationship that is draining life out of you then maybe it is time to put it to the side for awhile or even permanently. Keep that person in prayer but don't let him/her become a distraction from the calling in your life. Do not compromise. If you meet someone and your spiritual gifting of discernment is sending you red flags...listen. Do not settle. Keep your eyes focused on the Cross. God's timing is NOT our own. I learned that with marrying my now ex-husband. I married out of fear and it was a disaster...that is another story. LOL!!! Learn to discern spiritual twisting. I have no idea if that is the proper description but I have seen it with a few people in my life and I know the difference...are the words spoken with love or selfishness?

Sometimes, it actually takes time to reveal the true motivation.


Thank You, Father, for loving me with unconditional love and a love so selfless that You truly desire the best for me. I ask that You remove distractions from my life and remove those who do not have pure motives. I want more of You, Jesus and I desire to serve You. Remove everything that is not of You and fill me up...You are my King!